I'M NOT THAT GIRL
I always wondered why those lyrics from 'Wicked' struck such a chord with me and I think I eventually found out tonight. I was one of those girls who was consistently single instead of constantly in a relationship. I was never 'with' anyone. Not because I particularly chose to be single but because two things happened simultaneously. One, no guys ever asked me out and two, I was always working.
Now I say working and you're probably thinking of scholarly work, That's not the truth, though, I didn't particularly enjoy school and I wasn't very good at following orders, perhaps a major reason that I work for myself today. No, I was always striving for excellence within myself. I was born a perfectionist and anything I do, I want to be the very best at. When I was singing, I wanted to be the best singer in the world (I’m not) and my passion for progression towards perfection dictates that I work until I’m the best. That being said I was also quite a home body. I wasn't really the type to go out drinking every weekend. Call it whatever you like but I hated clubs and my parents hadn't attached a stigma to alcohol so from a certain age I was allowed to drink at home with them and so I guess I never really saw any reason to rebel against them. The opposite was true of my school. Good God, I rebelled in school. The heavy duty rules like no drugs or smoking I never had a problem with but the idea of controlling the colour of our shoes, stockings, socks and hair ties - the stupid rules, those I adored breaking.
Now on to the topic of why nobody ever asked me out, I wouldn't say I'm an ugly looking person but I'll leave that to you judgemental internet people (haha) to decide since there are pictures of me all over this site. I can, however, come across as rather intimidating and it really is just who I am. It's more that I am a bundle of nerves than anything else really and the sheer fact that I get hugely uncomfortable. I would say that the more that I like you, the more awkward I am around you. If I don't know you, we can chat for days but the second I know you better and I have to start watching my Ps and Qs, I flounder.
I often find myself asking the question after an event, launch or meeting, does he/she like me. And whilst lightly considering this might be important for personal development, it's not really a viable thought path unless you give each and every person you meet a questionnaire. Then the question arises, do I care and indeed should I care. I mean, would I re-adjust my attitude for every negative comment in the metaphorical questionnaire? The simple answer is no, I wouldn't. I mean, would you? How would you sift through all the comments and ticks and crosses in order to decipher whose opinion is worthwhile and valid and whose is not? You shouldn't need a questionnaire for that though should you? You could simply ask the people you care about for their opinion and if the same thing keeps coming up, maybe you need to re-evaluate. I mean, what do you care if Jack going down the street thinks you're a bitch if he's never met you? I am quite comfortable with who I am and long term I would want a man to stand next to me and be proud to stand with me for exactly that.
Something else hit me like a ton of bricks tonight, I really like men who are slightly or entirely out of my reach.I would say that you don't quite meet my tastes if you aren't a bit on/off with me. If you reach for me, I tend to lunge in the other direction. Strange? Maybe, but in reality, people are always falling for people who are out of reach for one or another reason. I mean, movie stars are a prime example of that are they not?
As a blogger, I am consistently dealing with what I call 'heaving room syndrome'. It's the idea that when you are in a room which is full to the brim with people, you are still alone. Realistically, if you came alone, you are there alone even when you are absolutely surrounded by people. Whilst simply being alone doesn't equate to loneliness, over time, it seems to morph quietly from one to the other. Seeing something pretty and not having anyone to turn around to and mention it, that's all. Every time I attend an event (alone) that's just how I work best, I sort of dream of someone being along for the ride, right by my side for the evening. Someone who is mine but there entirely for me because so far, the people I have invited along have done nothing but embarrass me. For me, the very idea of someone standing with you, just quietly and being 'yours' in a crowded room is romantic. And perhaps romance has changed then? Or at least it has for me.
Tonight in a room full of creative people, maybe three of whom I knew and knew me, I suddenly realised that I am in fact in love but not with a man, rather the idea of a man, at least right now. This realisation begs the question, how do you know when you are falling for someone vs simply falling for the idea of them? I don't know but I do know this, I am in love with the man who loves me exactly as I am, warts and all. So right now, no, I'm not that girl but I'm my own girl and today, tonight, that's enough...
I'm enough, You're enough, It's enough